I am a stubborn woman. Ask my husband, he will confirm it. I used to be a stubborn teenager (and before that, a stubborn little girl). Ask my mom, she will confirm it. If things don't go my way I stress out and question whether or not I'm a good person, teacher, wife, or mother. Sometimes I'll cry or even throw a hissy fit. :P The latter is more fun, but the former is more mature...so I alternate.
Lately, I've been having a major problem...because of my stubbornness.
My problem is my calling in church. I HATE PRIMARY! Maybe I should rephrase that. I HATE BEING IN PRIMARY! Primary itself is actually a GREAT program for the children in the church. The problem is that I don't do well with other people's kids. I never babysat as a teenager for a darn good reason. Other people's kids stress me out. I don't know how to relate to them, nor do I want to. Back in February I was called as the Nursery Leader. AAAH! The only thing worse than the combination of me and other people's kids is me and other peoples TODDLERS! Have I already said "AAAH!"? Because, "AAAAAAH!" I hardly feel like I have a handle on MY OWN toddler! What the heck was the Bishop smokin when get got THAT revelation!?! hehehe...I had to laugh at that one.
So, because of my stubbornness and my fear of other people's TODDLERS, I've been carrying around this grudge, this resentment for anyone associated with this calling. I've been snarling and snapping at everyone who asks "so, how's your calling?" Poor, poor innocent bystanders. I'm not one to hold back much. I don't put on a facade for the sake of saving face. I'm not two-faced. What you see is what you get with me. And when I'm in a foul mood, its pretty obvious. Embarassing sometimes, yes. But you can never accuse me of being fake.
(BIG SIGH)
Today, I've had a change of heart...a big change of heart. I someone at church opened up to me today. This woman was not someone whom I thought would ever do such a thing with me. I am her Visiting Teacher, but I'm intimidated by her, so I never make the effort to go visit her...much less, call her. She told me that she had once been in my position...with a 10-month old...while pregnant. And she endured it for a year and a half! WOW! I was floored.
I sat there thinking for a while. My heart was softened. I thought to myself, "surely, if this woman can do Nursery with a 10-month old and a baby on the way for 18 months, surely, SURELY, i could handle 9 more months of Nursery with my own toddler." (Bishop promised I would only have to be in there for a year.)
Every begrudging feeling, every ounce of resentment melted away. Replacing it was a love and respect for the women in Primary and a new understanding that the man who called me to this position was listening to the Holy Spirit.
I knew then that it was time to submit my will to that of Heavenly Father's. Hard as that may be for me, I knew it was the best thing. :)
Who knows, maybe this calling will help me become a better mother.
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3 comments:
I just love you! I think there are more of us struggling with this than you realize. It's so hard sometimes to try to fall into the role of full-time mom, wife, employee, primary worker, & still be a crafty happy homemaker who can't wait to take on "one more thing." I know there's a lot of us struggling w/this & just taking turns passing responsibilities around,surviving one day at a time. We have to stick together. When we start fighting off one another too we only exile ourselves from the very people who make it livable.I can't tell you how many times I've smiled & said "Sure, I'd love too" while really gritting my teeth & saying to myself, "Are you friggin' kidding me?! Why wouldn't I want to do THAT too?!? Of course I mind!! AHHHHH! I don't have time for this!" LOL
At any rate, I don't really have anything constructive to add, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone & more often than not if we at least talk to one another we can feed off each another's good days & somehow make it back to our own. Today, I'm borrowing your good day. Hope you don't mind. :-) HUGS
Oh I think we've all been there. But I know that although sometimes we question where the inspiration for our callings came from, inevitably, it turns out to be something we really needed at the time. Maybe this is just preparing you for the challenges of taking care of more than one child. I don't know the reasons, but you can bet it will only make you a better person,wife, mother and teacher.
When I was 17 bishop called me to be the ward organist. I didn't even know how to play the organ. I was terrified. But I got through my year, learned alot, and honestly hope to never have the calling again. However, it did prepare me for other callings I had in college and even now as I play piano in primary. You can bet this calling will help you in some way.
And if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask- I'd love an excuse to get out of playing the piano, hang out with you and play with the toddlers.
You can do it! LOVE YOU!
I have been there too... it's tough! hang in there! Had lunch with a birth mother yesterday and got to talk about adoption and the miracle of it all. Totally thought of you guys :)
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